As I laid awake last night unable to sleep (my new Sunday night ritual) I had some moments of self reflection. You always hear that the first step to solving a problem is to admit you have a problem; however, you never hear what the next step is.
I've come to realize over the last few months that I am in a sense a very selfish person. I unrealistically believe that I have had more problems/bad things happen to me in my life and at a younger age than most people. At one point I made a list of everything bad that has happened to me since I was 14 years old. The list was a page and a half long and realistically looking at it I knew that there were a lot more people with a lot longer of a list or at least a lot worse of things on it. Inside though I still want to believe that I've had a hard life.
Because of "all the horrible" things that have happened to me when things go wrong I internalize it. I feel like nobody else would understand and even if they did I don't want to bother them with my problems. It's almost like I want to keep these bad things to myself like it was a special gift for me and only me. I push everyone away, especially the ones that love me most.
I know that logically speaking all of this is crazy. That I'm crazy and yet I can't change it. I know when I am acting stupid and being "selfish" with my pain and yet I can't stop it. I've been working on "me" for about four years now and I think I've come a long way, but these little things just won't go away. There is really few things worse than being crazy and being able to identify that you are being crazy but not being able to stop it or change it. It's a very helpless feeling.
I don't want anyone to worry about me. Nothing has changed, I've been dealing with these feelings for a while now. I just figured that my blog isn't only for the happy moments but for all moments of my life.
Brene Brown on Boundaries & Empathy
1 year ago