Monday, September 29, 2008

Self Reflections From Insomnia

As I laid awake last night unable to sleep (my new Sunday night ritual) I had some moments of self reflection. You always hear that the first step to solving a problem is to admit you have a problem; however, you never hear what the next step is.

I've come to realize over the last few months that I am in a sense a very selfish person. I unrealistically believe that I have had more problems/bad things happen to me in my life and at a younger age than most people. At one point I made a list of everything bad that has happened to me since I was 14 years old. The list was a page and a half long and realistically looking at it I knew that there were a lot more people with a lot longer of a list or at least a lot worse of things on it. Inside though I still want to believe that I've had a hard life.

Because of "all the horrible" things that have happened to me when things go wrong I internalize it. I feel like nobody else would understand and even if they did I don't want to bother them with my problems. It's almost like I want to keep these bad things to myself like it was a special gift for me and only me. I push everyone away, especially the ones that love me most.

I know that logically speaking all of this is crazy. That I'm crazy and yet I can't change it. I know when I am acting stupid and being "selfish" with my pain and yet I can't stop it. I've been working on "me" for about four years now and I think I've come a long way, but these little things just won't go away. There is really few things worse than being crazy and being able to identify that you are being crazy but not being able to stop it or change it. It's a very helpless feeling.

I don't want anyone to worry about me. Nothing has changed, I've been dealing with these feelings for a while now. I just figured that my blog isn't only for the happy moments but for all moments of my life.


Allison said...

I have had plenty moments over the years where I recognize that I'm acting in a way contrary to what I think I should be, but continue to act that way anyway. You're right--it's a terrible feeling...

Maybe this is something the women in our family do?

One thing I've learned is that although you can feel helpless to change, you're not actually helpless. You can change, little by little, and overcome those moments for the most part. They'll still creep up every now and then and you'll feel bad again, but don't give up. I'll tell you what the secret is to eliminating them. Humility. Swallow your pride and humble your heart. You'll feel like a weakling at first, but it's what actually empowers you to change and you'll end up feeling like you have more control over yourself than ever. This is coming from one of the most fiesty women out there. You know what a fire I have insinde of me.

My most anguishing self reflections come from insomnia too. But they are good if they motivate me to change instead of making me feel helpless.

Lauren said...

It must be going around. I think Ali is right, it's in our blood. You have always been so profound and I cherish your advice and wisdom.