Self Reflections From Insomnia

As I laid awake last night unable to sleep (my new Sunday night ritual) I had some moments of self reflection. You always hear that the first step to solving a problem is to admit you have a problem; however, you never hear what the next step is.

I've come to realize over the last few months that I am in a sense a very selfish person. I unrealistically believe that I have had more problems/bad things happen to me in my life and at a younger age than most people. At one point I made a list of everything bad that has happened to me since I was 14 years old. The list was a page and a half long and realistically looking at it I knew that there were a lot more people with a lot longer of a list or at least a lot worse of things on it. Inside though I still want to believe that I've had a hard life.

Because of "all the horrible" things that have happened to me when things go wrong I internalize it. I feel like nobody else would understand and even if they did I don't want to bother them with my problems. It's almost like I want to keep these bad things to myself like it was a special gift for me and only me. I push everyone away, especially the ones that love me most.

I know that logically speaking all of this is crazy. That I'm crazy and yet I can't change it. I know when I am acting stupid and being "selfish" with my pain and yet I can't stop it. I've been working on "me" for about four years now and I think I've come a long way, but these little things just won't go away. There is really few things worse than being crazy and being able to identify that you are being crazy but not being able to stop it or change it. It's a very helpless feeling.

I don't want anyone to worry about me. Nothing has changed, I've been dealing with these feelings for a while now. I just figured that my blog isn't only for the happy moments but for all moments of my life.

Going Back to Cali, Cali, Cali

I feel like I accomplished more today in four hours than I normally do all day. I woke up at 8:30 got ready and headed down to Lynnwood for my final chiro appointment before I leave tomorrow. Then I drove down to Redmond where I stopped by the bank and took a few deposits for work and dropped off mail at the post office. Then I went to my doctor so I could have a blood test done. My doctor asked me in January to have the test done for Factor V (blood clotting gene) since my family has a history of it. I finally got around to it today but then I think they may have done the wrong test. I'm pretty sure it was supposed to be for Factor V-Leiden and they just did a regular Factor V. Then it was back up to Everett where I stopped by the store for some last minute supplies. Now I'm waiting for the laundry to get done so I can start packing.

We get in LAX tomorrow around three and then we'll pick up my dad at the train station before heading over to Dodger Stadium. I'm not sure what we are going to be doing on Sunday or Monday but one of those days I want to go to the beach. Tuesday it's Disneyland! I'm so excited! I think the last time I went to Disneyland was with my cousin Jill when I was fifteen. Then Wednesday we'll head back up to LAX and head home.

I guess it's back to getting ready. I need to pack, clean up the house, and put my itinerary together.

Who's An Idiot? LeAnn's An Idiot!

On Monday while driving home from work I wanted to make a phone call but my ear bud thingy was in the back seat of my car. I came up to a stop light so I tried to reach back and get it but it was a little out of reach. Instead of taking off my seat belt or just forgetting it, I kind of jumped and reached back for it. It worked but as I grabbed it I heard *pop*pop*pop*pop*pop*pop* my back popped a thousand times. I didn't think anything of it until the next day I woke up and was in excruciating pain. My back hurt so bad just breathing in was painful. I went to my chiropractor after work and turns out I popped like ten ribs out of place! She adjusted me and it helped a little but I have to go back in tomorrow for another adjustment. I just hope it's better before I have to sit on a plane Saturday. I really should know better than to mess around when it comes to my back. Especially after everything I've done to try and fix it.

Coffee? For Thought

I really liked to quote on my Starbucks cup today so I thought I would share it with all of you.

"I have faith. Faith in our wondrous capacity for hope and good, love and trust, healing and forgiveness. Faith in the blessing of our infinite ability to wonder, question, pray, feel, think and learn. I have faith. Faith in the infinite possibilities of the human spirit." -James Brown, Emmy-winning sportscaster and co-host of FOX NFL Sunday.

A Little Bit Of Catch Up

#1: We bought a new lap top! We probably shouldn't have spent money on it when it wasn't a necessary expense but I love it. Now I can actually use the computer when I get home. Before Russ would be on it all night (he got the computer and I got the TV). I get to watch TV and play Mahjong at the same time! Double score! When I'm done with my computer time Russ gets to actually be upstairs with me so we see each other and actually get to talk and stuff.

#2: Everybody wanted to know what my bad day was all about a couple of weeks ago. Unfortunately it is work related and since we all know that blogs are not the most private of things I can't really go into detail about it all. All I can say is that there has been a lot of drama lately and I think it will continue on. I know the grass isn't always greener but I need to decide how brown my grass is getting at this point.

#3: Have you ever said something out loud that you meant to say in your head? Today a patient came in and I informed him that Dr. needed an updated health history. He gave me the typical patient response of "nothing has changed." Normally I explain that by law we have to have them fill a new one out every two years and I know its not very fun but I appreciate their willingness to comply and it's not so bad just a bunch of yes or no questions. Today though for some reason when he said that I just blurted out "well it shouldn't be that hard then huh" As soon as the words left my mouth I wished I could take them back. I pride myself on my excellent customer service and while most people don't think a comment like that is anything bad in my mind I might as well have slapped the patient in the face.

#4: I've been struggling a little bit with the two main rules in life; the golden rule (do unto others as you would have them do unto you) and follow your gut instincts. Every once in a while we will get a scrubby looking person come into the office, use the bathroom and leave. My instinct tells me they are going to use the bathroom to shoot up drugs or something but then I think what if that was Jesus would I not let him use the bathroom? Same thing goes for dealing with people there have been several incidences lately where I want to tell somebody they are being stupid, being a brat, or I don't want to listen to them any more because I don't care what they are talking about. Instead though I think if I were them I probably wouldn't want them to say those things to me so I keep my mouth shut.

#5: Russ and I are going to visit my dad in California in a couple of weeks and I'm really excited. We are going to go to Disneyland, go to the beach, and best of all get to see my dad. Yay us!

Are You Ready For Some Football....

Football officially started tonight and to make it even better the Redskins are playing. They aren't doing so well as of right now but it's still fun for me to watch. Russ not so much, he gets very upset at every play. It's funny I never thought I would look forward to football season but I really am this year. I like waking up Sunday morning making the Thorpe favorite breakfast of scrambled eggs, bacon and southern style hash browns (little squares of potatoes) then sitting down and watching football literally ALL day. Sometimes it can get a little boring but it helps that I have a fantasy team so I want to see how my guys are doing and if I'm winning. Hopefully the Redskins can pull their heads out of their butts this year and actually do something. Go Redskins!